My friends, they love my intelligence
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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