fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Bring me that man meat
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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