I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I lost the right to judge tonight
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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