woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I want her autograph on my taint
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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