Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
