if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
