so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
