No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So much rum. So many feels.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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