Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
