Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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