Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i think my cat just said my name.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
