it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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