I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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