Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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