I haven't been this sober since birth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
