His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
