nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
