her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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