Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
