how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
