my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
