moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
