I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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