If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
