fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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