i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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