May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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