There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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