Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
