I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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