Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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