Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
