I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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