I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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