it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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