proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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