i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
