Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
