i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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