lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
