I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
