i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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