I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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