we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
