You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
