I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
