I wanna bring you to show and tell
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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