I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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