is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
