His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
