things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
