He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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