there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
