I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
