i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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