Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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