I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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