can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
