Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
